Journey of 1000 Miles

I am just back from spending a couple of week in Europe for work and am very glad to be on home soil again.  My trip was not successful for me in terms of eating well.  I struggle a lot with staying on the McDougall program while I travel and although I brought with me a plan this time, I struggled to follow it and ending up eating a lot of stuff that in the future I would like to choose not to eat.  On these trips to Holland I find myself eating a lot of cheese.  The Dutch and more broadly Europeans in general really love cheese and I often joke that the Dutch eat cheese for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert the funny part is that its true.  I also have several European friends who also can really appreciate good cheese.  I never really understood the appeal of cheese and was put off by strong smelling cheeses.  The trip though I ate a lot of very good cheese and although that’s not healthy, my cheese experience has helped me gain insight into a different revelation that has been brewing for the past few months as I have ben traveling to Holland.  Just some quick background, in the past 7 months I have made 8 trips to Holland and spent a total of 20 weeks on the ground.  Luckily this is my last trip for a while and I have no plans to head back for at least 5 months and expect it to be much longer then that if ever.

Anyway one of the things that has occurred to me while traveling and spending time with my European friends is that all seem to have developed a much deeper appreciation of food, wine and cheese then I do.  Of course the wine is something that I have no interest in developing an appreciation for and although I did learn to enjoy good cheese on this trip I don’t want to make it a part of my diet.  But one thing I think can bring home from Europe is the overall appreciation for good food, by good I mean deliciously prepared food made from fresh healthy ingredients.  One of my friends who I spent a great deal of time with over these past few months is a very big fan of Italian food.  He takes a lot of his vacations traveling around Italy learning about their foods and preparing them.  My other friend lived in America for the past few years and always had a knack for complaining about everything here, the cheese, the beer, the bread, the chocolate it seemed like nothing that Americans did could rise to his standards.  While he was living here I just chalked it up to arrogance but having spent a lot of time with him now in his home country I have gained a much greater appreciation for their food.  Bread is a great example, Americans invented enriched white bread and Europeans still buy fresh baked whole wheat breads on an almost daily basis.  It seems as though Americans have traded quality for quantity and cost which in my experience has been a pretty sad exchange.  For myself I have never really had a healthy appreciation for good food, of course I overate for taste a lot of times but certainly not a refined delicious taste more of an overly sweet sugary fatty taste.  So one thing I want to incorporate into my life in a greater appreciation for well cooked food made from fresh healthy ingredients.  One of the ways that I know I can develop this appreciation is to prepare more of it myself for my family and friends.  Meals don’t have to be extravagant much of the appeal of high quality Italian food is the simplicity of it, although I can how on occasion preparing something that requires a great deal of effort, like a homemade Risotto can be very satisfying.  I have the added pleasure of learning to prepare these foods in ways which are consistent with my ideas of healthy eating which requires the use of no animal products, no added fats or oils and no cheese or diary.  I hear my friend rolling his eyes now at thought of it, but I know it can be done.

Another thing my European friends had in common was that they both enjoyed preparing and cooking food as well as having it prepared for them in a restaurant.  They both find cooking a good way to unwind and let go of the other stresses of life, listening to them describe cooking you can really see it as an act of love, preparing a meal for loved ones is truly an act of love when done with care.  I was honored to be invited to both of their homes for home cooked meals and every meal was planned and prepared very carefully and thoughtfully, taking into account that I am a vegetarian (they aren’t).  When looked at in that light cooking is less of a chore, its an act of love for others and in my case and act of love of self.  Preparing meals is a huge part of what I need to do for myself so changing the way I look at it should have a measurable benefit and if all goes well I will hopefully be posting a lot of the recipes that I make.

The past couple of weeks have been really seriously horrible.  My food consumption has been terrible both in terms of quantity and quality of foods consumed.  I have eaten red meat again for the first time in a very long time this past week and processed meats as well just to make it really really bad.  I have binged on ice cream and doughnuts and pizza and burgers.  I don’t really know what has been going on with me mentally.  I feel like I am in the throws of an addiction and its almost like a daily battle of wills, me against the beast within.  The past two weeks the beast has certainly had his way with me.  Some days I couldn’t even muster enough willpower to try to resist and on days when I did resist the urges it rarely lasted past 9 am before I was off an running with some kind of unhealthy food.  Yesterday started off as the worst day yet, I had an hour long binge on unhealthy breakfast sandwiches and doughnuts from two different chains which I never patronize when I am taking care of myself.  when I finished my binge I immediately felt remorse but also something else, not quite hope but a glimmer of something shiny.  Then when I got home and began writing it dawned on my, what I was feeling in the midst of the fog of the after effects of my binge was the serenity of surrender.

Of course that was it!  I of all people should know better then to try and take on the beast directly in a battle of strength and will, I am sure to lose that fight each and every time.  But to surrender to my addiction and admit total defeat is the only path to redemption and relief that has ever worked for me.  I often times struggle with the idea of food being an addiction, especially since I have struggled with drugs and alcohol in my past.  But I have never struggled with anything as much as I have with food.  I have this idea in my head that food should just be something that I should be able to just wake up and be OK with.  If my experience this past couple weeks has taught me anything its that food is a powerful addiction, every much as powerful as drugs and alcohol, for me I would have to say that my food addiction is a far greater struggle to overcome then drugs or alcohol ever were.  I have other addictive behaviors that I am currently struggling with that go along with food for me and although I am not ready to share them publicly I am working on them as well and taking a more holistic approach to my addiction then I have previously been willing to.

So what does this revelation mean and why does it bring me back to defunct blog which hasn’t had any action in almost a year.  Well after my binge yesterday I had some degree of clarity which was enhanced by writing in my personal journal.  I know that writing/journaling is a fundamental tool when dealing with addiction as it helps clear the mind and release emotion for me.  Also as I start the journey again I know that as I back off of my addiction I will have extra time on my hands and although I do have positive things that I do to fill the time like playing guitar and reading, I think that keeping the blog will be beneficial as well as serve as a record of my Journey and hopefully someday provide some help or inspiration to someone struggling with the same issues as me.

I weighed in this morning at 361.2 lbs which I believe is my heaviest weight ever.  I am not surprised because of the way the past few weeks have gone.  I am excited to get started again and am looking forward to making regular posts on my progress again.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Tim Russert.  I was a big fan of his and really loved to listen to his broadcasts and was also touched by his humanity as displayed in his books.  This week I have been re-listening to “Big Russ and Me” and thoroughly enjoying it.  I just can’t get over the fact that he is dead, at 58 he just literally dropped dead.  Not only that, but he was under the close care of Doctors (I presume were considered competent) and was recently told that his risk factors were all well within the safety range.  The press has portrayed his death as a seemingly random occurrence that could happen to just about anyone but they are falling way short of asking the real questions or pressing the medical establishment for real answers.  It’s a bit of a wasted opportunity in many ways, anyone who has read the McDougall Books, The China Study, Caldwell Esselstyn or Joel Fuhrman know that Tim’s death was both entirely predicable and definitely preventable.  One of the things I have been wondering about though is after listenening to all the news coverage of his death, and listening to the “you gotta eat” chapter of his book, with food being obviously such a big presence in Tims life would he have been willing to forgo all of the greasy heavy food he loved for 20 or 30 more years of life?  I would have to say that given how much he loved his family, friends and work he would have happily made the choice to add years.  I’m really just struck by what a horrible tradgedy it is that he was cut down in his prime, he had so much more to give to his family and the world frankly through his work.  Now we will never know. [Read more →]

I weighed myself on Saturday morning because I had to leave for a business trip and wanted to see where I was weightwise so that I could compar eit with previous trips and have an idea of how unconmfortable the plane was going to be.  I weighed 344 on Saturday which felt great, it means that since Monday I have lost 3.2 lbs and it makes up for some of the disappointment in last weeks number.  The beginning of this week started kind of rough because I was disappointed that I only lost 1 lb last week despite what I felt was a very good effort all week.  Monday and Tuesday this week were a little rough with respect to my eating, I was letting myself get a little sloppy although nothing like I used to do.  But then on Wednesday I was able to pull myself out of it and get back into the groove.  Weds, Thurs and Fri were great days with food and I was in that place were eating according to the McDougall plan feels effortless.  Friday was a great day and my wife and I prepared a great meal together from groceries that we had on hand.  I found this meal so rewarding and inspiring that I am planning on posting the recipes that we used in a future post.  I just need to get the recipe from my wife and transpose it into a text file and make note of all the changes she made to it in order to McDougallize it.  The was truly simple to prepare and both extremely satisfying and very pleasurable, it reminded me of my time in Santa Rosa when I was at the live in McDougall Program.  One of the things that I am thinking regarding my experience last week in not losing a lot of weight despite eating very cleanly is that perhaps I wasn’t taking in enough calories to allow my body to lose weight.  I had been having siper green smoothies for breakfast all week which are basically a blended salad with some fruit thrown in but now I’m not sure that I get enough calories from that.  This week which produced such good results, I actually ate a lot more heartily.  I was having my hash brown potatoes for breakfast and rice and beans based meals for lunch and dinner.  I am going to pay closer attention to this moving forward to see if I can see patterns emerge.  McDougall always says that the more you eat on his plan the more you lose, so it’s quite possible that I am onto something.

The saturday weigh in provided me with some good momentum coming into my week long business trip in Puerto Rico.  I have only been here for 2 days but my food so far has been pretty flawless.  I had been anticipating having some trouble finding good vegan food but Ive been lucky in that each meal I have eaten has had some choices for me which were without meat, dairy or added oils.  I’m not sure if I’ll make it through the whole week but I am only trying to take it one meal at a time and make the best possible choice at each one.

Although its been almost 3 months since I have written anything on this blog, I still haven’t given up the fight to lose weight and get healthy. My progress overall hasn’t been anything like I would have liked it to be, but given all of the ups and downs I have weathered I have to say that I am OK with where things stand today. My weight today is at 350lbs which is down about 13 from my highest measured weight (I assume I have weighed as much as 365/366). The past month or so have been very good for me and I have built up a lot of positive momentum, thats what made me decide to write again. I have been reluctant because I don’t want to start and stop writing too much, but last night I realized that my original reasons for writing this blog still hold very true and I am actually missing out on the opportunity to document my journey when I don’t write. I want my blog to be a written account of my weightloss journey that I can look back on and re-read in the future to keep my memory green about how hard this journey actually is or was rather ;o)

I’ve realized recently (even though it seems obvious) that a critical skill to develop in order to make this kind of a journey is the ability to get back up on the horse after falling off. This has been something I have been practicing these 3 months, each time I have a bad day or series of days, I encourage myself to rejoin the fight and get back on track. This one little exercise is developing into a good reliable habit for me, its vital to my success because my eating habits are never going to be 100% perfect or effortless and I am always going to continually fail and miss my mark, whats crucial is my ability to rebound back from the failures and get back on track as quickly as possible. Something that has been helping me with this is that I have certain meals now that are almost acting as emotional cue’s to myself. When I have fallen off and make the resolve to get back on track I usually start the day with my signature crispy hashbrowns with either bar b que sauce or baked beans on top. This meal is very satisfying and quite filling as well. I have a couple other quick and easy dishes that I can make to help myself ‘know’ that I am back in the groove.

In terms of exercise, I have also been having a very good month in this area as well. I have moved away from a kind of X number of times a week exercise and am more into a mode of just trying to be a more active person in general. This sounds overly simple but it makes sense to me on a couple of different levels. I began getting active by walking the dog again, this time though I didn’t try and push myself to do 2 miles day. I just made it point to get up off the couch and take the dog out for at least a 1 mile walk. I didn’t worry myself about whether I did it everyday, I just wanted to make sure I did it a few times a week. These short walks have been extremely rewarding both physically and mentally but my daughter has begun walking with me and getting exercise for herself as well as allowing us to do some great bonding. The walks have also lead to night time swims to wash off the accumulated sweat and get a nice cooling stretch done before bed. That small amount of activity has lead me to get back onto my bike which for a long time was an activity I pursued with some amount of consistency and vigor. I have already completed 2 fairly lengthy rides of 20 miles each and have ongoing plans for more rides in the coming weeks. The increased level of activity is definitely having a positive effect on my overall feeling of well being and energy level. I just feel more like moving and am not having nearly the amount or intensity of aches and pains I had when I first began so I have to assume that my body is starting to adjust to the increase in demand.

Although it’s been a couple months since I have written, I definitely haven’t given up my fight to lose weight and get fit this year.  It has been a struggle to get back on track mentally as well as physically but I feel as though I am ready to recommit.  This battle is too important, I’ve come to believe over the past few weeks that I truly am fighting for my life here.  I know that may sound mellow dramatic to some but to me that is honestly the way it is.  I don’t mean that if I lose this battle or fight to lose weight I will die straight out, it will take a long time and I would live 20 - 30 more years I am sure, although the quality would be questionable.  What I really mean by the statement that I am fighting for my life is that for the past 15 years that I have been overweight I haven’t really been living at all.  The life I am experiencing is very much limited by my size and the emotional limitations that choose to accept.  I have truly become a spectator at the game of life, quietly sitting on the sidelines eating popcorn and hot dogs while the athletes are down on the floor getting all sweaty and exhausted, feeling all the exhilaration.  Last week a coworker mentioned to me that her husband was going on a class 5 whitewater rafting trip and it made me think of how many things like this in life I am missing out on.  Some might say that I am imposing these limitations on myself and that I should get in the game at whatever weight I am at but the truth is that its just not that easy.  There is quite a bit of physical pain that comes along with being 350 lbs, as well as some serious physical limitations, seat sizes, weight limits etc on rides and activities.  I spent this past weekend in Florida with my family and although I was able to spend a large period of time in the water with my daughter, I also spent a lot of time beached on a chair.  I would love to have an energy level that let me just get down and active with her at her activity level for the amount of time that she does.

This past Monday I weighed in at 350.1 so for February instead of losing more weight I regained about 8 lbs.  This coming weekend I have to get myself back on track.  Its not just for the weight loss either, eating poorly has ramifications all through my life.  Its very hard to excel in any category when the dominant one is out of control.  Work, family, finances, sleep, leisure they are all suffering now because I continue to struggle with getting my food back within the bounds of the McDougall Program.  Regardless of what my situation at work or with my spouse is, eating well is something that I can do for myself that is actually a demonstration of loving myself.  To eat badly amidst all of these other issues actually contributes to my own suffering.

Every day I feel more and more ambition in some of the other areas of my life and really it feels like I can begin to make progress on those issues without resolving the largest outstanding problem I have.  Perhaps that is just my excuse for letting myself off the hook in these other areas but I do need to stay focused on the big picture which at this point is my weight.  If I do begin to work on some of the other things I can’t let it derail me from what I need to do eat well.

On another topic I have actually completed my list for the 101 in 1001 and will be posting it next week so that I can begin checking off some of the items on my list.  I have actually completed a few already and I think I will just post them and immediately check them off because I am pretty confident that writing the list prompted me to action on them.

So this is the end of the second month on my Journey and basically this past month was a total loss.  I have struggled and fought my way through but mostly have not been able to get control for the past few weeks.  Of course I have a handy pile of excuses with which I can hide behind and trick myself into feeling some level of self pity but the truth is that I have chosen more often then not this month to let unhealthy habits control me.  The silver lining is that Feb was not nearly as bad as Jan was good and so my weight is still at a pretty decent net loss since starting the journey.  I weighed myself on Monday and it was 347 which means I am still down 10 from the beginning of the new year when I made the decision to start.  This month has been challenging, my job is really getting intense as my team is working towards a March 14th deadline for a large package of deliver-ables.  I have been routinely working 12 to 14 hours a day, this hasn’t really left me much opportunity to cook and prepare meals for myself.  Also about a week and a half ago I had a huge blow out with my spouse and was really hurt by something she had done and I let this completely through me for an emotional loop.  These are the two main excuses I am hiding behind.  Today though I am making up my mind to take control again and put myself back into the position of power in my own life. [Read more →]

This morning the scale said 342.4 which is 1.8lbs down from last Monday.  I was never able to find time to post to the blog last week but I weighed myself again last Monday ad weighed 344.2.  I think that the weight I measured the first of Feb was an anomaly most likely caused by the daily fluctuations I normally have.  I have started thinking about weighing myself less often but for Feb I think I am going to stick to weekly weigh ins.  I was glad to be down a little this week.  I was out of town on Business most of last week and while I mostly made the best decisions I could, there were a few meals that were less then ideal. [Read more →]

After deliberating with myself for a while I decided to weigh myself this morning so that I could quantify the results of my effort after 30 days.  I was shocked to see the scale read 341.6, which means so far this week I have lost almost 5.5 lbs.  I know that some of that can just be the normal fluctuation in my numbers but it really felt great.  This week I have made a point to eat more salad.  I think my taste buds are changing and I find that I am actually starting to tolerate salad which has always been a struggle for me.  In order to consume more raw veggies I have switched to having green smoothies for breakfast in the morning instead of the potatoes and oatmeal I was usually having.  My reasons for doing this are so that I make sure that I am getting a decent amount of raw veggies each day even if I don’t have any other salad during the day and its also turned out to be a time and effort saver in the morning as I just drop everything into the Vita Mix and take it out the door with me.  My recipe is based on a head of organic romaine, 2 organic carrots and whatever fruit I have.  This week the fruit has been 3 or 4 clementines and either frozen peaches or strawberries.  Today I added a banana and it really gave the smoothie a nice sweetness.  [Read more →]